I Want To Love You
by Christian Wu
Summary: Jongin suddenly leaned in and kissed him right on the lips. Kris widened his eyes, was this just an imagination? Was this just another dream that Kris wished to come true? And then he felt the younger held his face in his hands as if he could read Kris' mind. Slowly he closed his eyes and kissed back while rubbing Jongin's small back.


**Title : I Want To Love You  
**

**Author : **Christian Wu

**Rated :** T

**Genre :** Hurt, Romance, Fluff

**Warning :** UKE!Kai, Typo, Yaoi, AU.

**Disclaimer : **If EXO is mine, Kris and Kai would be bestfriend and an official couple from SM + Kai would do so many aegyo that make Kris melts ==a

**Pairing : **KrisKai

* * *

.

.

"Hyung?"

He smiled when Kris didn't answer. He looked down to his lap where Kris had laid his head comfortably. Sleeping soundly like a baby and snoring softly. He must've had worked so hard today. Jongin petted Kris' soft blonde hair, running his fingers through some stubborn locks. The TV was on, but he never watched it when the older immediately went to the bathroom to take a nice and warm bath. Then Kris came out trough the bathroom door and went straight to where Jongin sat.

Zitao was nowhere to be seen, maybe he was practicing wushu again at late night. Jongin's finger rubbed against the Kris' cheek.

'His cheeks looks chubbier than before,' thought Jongin

He inspected Kris' face and nodded slowly when he was sure of it.

'I bet his mom made him eat lots of food when he was at Vancouver,'

He chuckled at his own thought. Well he never complained anything about Kris except his cheesy lines when they were just alone. Wait, Kris was always a cheesy guy. At least that's what Zitao told him. Anyway, he never thought chubby Kris would still look handsome. Even it made him look cute like one of his plushies. No one would ever thought that Kris' had things for plushies. But oh well, no one ever complained about it.

He watched as Kris turned on his lap, now facing him. Jongin squirmed a bit when his thigh felt ticklish as the older moved. He heard Kris groaned in his sleep, his thick eyebrows furrowed slightly. The younger laughed lightly then stroked the other's blonde hair. They stayed like that for minutes until Kris started squirmed in discomfort. His breath became slightly heavier. Jongin frowned as he put his hand ontop of the older's chest, holding him down gently. But now Kris was almost trashing that he almost fell from the couch.

Jongin panicked.

"Hyung?"

Kris's trashing got worse.

"H-hyung? Hyung! Hyung wake up!", yelled Jongin.

One of Kris' hands shot out to grip Jongin's wrist that was placed on his chest. Jongin winced as he tried to pry his wrist off of the older's iron grip.

'What the hell is he dreaming about?'

When he freed his wrist he straddled Kris' waist and held Kris' face in his hands.

"Hyung.. Wake up, Hyung" he whispered softly.

But then he started to shook the other's roughly as Kris' didn't wake up. He yelled Kris' name but it was still futile. This left him to slap Kris' cheek and he yelped when Kris suddenly shot out and sat straight with Jongin now slipped into his lap. His breath was still harsh, chest heaving up and down. Sweat trickled down to his jaw and followed down to his collarbone. His white shirt now stuck into his body. Jongin brought Kris' face into his chest and cradled him.

"Hyung.. It's okay. It's alright," he stroked the older's head lovingly as he whispered those words.

He could feel a pair of arms slowly moved to his waist and hugged him tightly, almost painfully for the younger. Kris' rarely had a nightmare and Jongin never saw him got one as far as he knew. Zitao told him that when the raven haired male was still 13, he heard Kris' shouted at midnight. Zitao ran immediately when he thought that there was a burglar break through his brother's room. He opened the door just a crack to make sure there was none and he froze. He saw his brother's head inside his hands, his whimpers were muffled. Zitao wanted to hug his brother and sleep beside him like Kris would to him when Zitao had nightmares. But he knew his brother wouldn't opened up to him even he tried so hard. They were close, very close perhaps. But still Zitao felt that there was something that he couldn't interfere in Kris' life and being Zitao, he respected that.

Zitao told Jongin that maybe he could because Jongin held a very special position in Kris' heart. The raven haired male trusted him.

But Jongin didn't know what to do of that. He was afraid.

"Jongin-ah," Kris' voice came out tiredly and cracked a bit.

Jongin came to his senses when he heard his name was called. He tilted Kris head upward to meet his. His dark brown eyes met with Kris' sharp, now tired, eyes.

"It's okay Hyung. It was just a nightmare. It's alright," he stroked the older's cheek to emphasize it.

Jongin furrowed his eyebrows in worry when Kris just stared at him tiredly but his gaze was strong it held Jongin in his place. The younger's heart suddenly beat faster, it was not in anticipation.

But fear.

'Please don't say it. Please don't say it,' he kept repeating that in his mind.

Kris closed his eyes and bumped his forehead to Jongin's gently.

"Stay by my side Jongin," it came out softly that it almost made Jongin wanted to give in.

Jongin swallowed the lump in his throat and laughed nervously.

"I have to go home, Hyung. Kyungsoo-hyung will be mad if stay out of the house too long,"

Kris didn't respond. He was still trying to catch his breath while waiting for the ringing in his ears to subside. After a while, Jongin started to get more nervous that his palms got sweaty. Kris' big hands covered his that was now on his shoulder and bring them to his cheeks once more. He opened his eyes and stared at Jongin. It felt like hours for the younger, he suddenly felt vulnerable in front of Kris' strong gaze.

"Stay by my side, Jongin-ah", he said it once more.

Jongin smiled forcedly, "Hyung, I told you I can't. We can meet up ag-"

"Forever,"

.

.

.

Silence.

.

.

.

Kris stared at the younger's wide eyes. He could see Jongin tried to escape from him. He never brought that matter up. Kris knew Jongin was not ready to come out of his comfort zone. But when will he if he never even tried to. Kris just wanted to help him to overcome his fear.

Fear of loving.

Fear of being loved.

Fear of being left out.

Fear of losing.

But that was love all about. We cannot love until we knew that we fear we might lose the ones we love. We cannot run away from the pain that awaits us in the future of loving someone. We cannot escape the fact that we might hurt them. But love was all about opened up.

How can we love if we never give people a chance to love us? How can we love if we didn't even let ourselves to love? How can we love if we punished for loving someone and being loved?

Jongin pulled his hands out of Kris' hold and turned his face away, his bangs covered his eyes. Kris eyes turned sad. It was always like this. Him trying to pulled Jongin out of the dark abyss, Jongin accepted it, yet he never want to leave the abyss. Kris tried everything he could. He brought Jongin to dine with him. He introduced him to Zitao and surprisingly Zitao didn't frowned. Usually Zitao would frown if he didn't like that person. Kris once 'kidnapped' Jongin after his stressful exams and brought him to a small park and sat on the bench. Just the two of them with Jongin's head on Kris' shoulder while Kris's on his head as they stargazing. Kris got himself two bumps on his head from Kyungsoo. Kris coaxed Jongin to jog with him every morning weekend.

And slowly but surely Kris started to fall in love with the younger.

How Jongin's eyes would sparkle like a kid when Kris bought him fried chickens. How Jongin would avert his eyes when he caught Kris staring at him openly. How Jongin bite his lips when he was nervous, it was cute and sexy at the same time. And then when Jongin attend Kris' birthday party that was thrown by Kris' cousin Luhan. Kris remembered Jongin smiled shyly at him as he gave a blue scarf that Kris almost wore everyday when it was winter.

How could one not fall in love with Jongin?

And that made Kris afraid.

Afraid that someone might took Jongin away from him. He knew that they weren't lovers, but they will if Jongin would just give him a chance.

But why?

Why did he suddenly felt that everything that he had done for Jongin, was meant nothing to the other?

Did Kris mean so little for him?

"I-It's not like that, Hyung"

Kris blinked. He said the last part without realizing it.

"What then, Jongin?"

He knew he was pushing Jongin now. But he couldn't help it. He felt suffocated now. He was hurting.

But Kris didn't know that Jongin felt the same pain. Jongin wished he could tell Kris how he felt to him. He knew that Kris love him. He knew that the older helped him to overcome his fear. But Jongin himself didn't know why he acted like this. Everytime he saw Kris doing these things to him that made his heart fluttered and his stomach felt funny, Jongin always remembered his parents. They left him with Kyungsoo on their own. They didn't even look back, they just slammed the door and ride away with their own car. They decided to have a divorce at that time. Jongin who was only 9 did not understand a thing. He looked up to his brother and saw Kyungsoo who was 11 that time, wiped his eyes then smiled gently at him

.

"_Come one Jongin-ah. It's time for you to go to bed"_

_._

Kyungsoo always tried to avoid him when he asked where their parents were. Kyungsoo would avert his eyes then continued chopping the vegetables. Jongin just shrugged it at first. But when he became 16, he yelled at Kyungsoo. He was mad at him for always avoided his question. Jongin didn't talk to Kyungsoo for 3 days until Kyungsoo called him to the kitchen and smiled gently at him.

.

_"Can you help me peeled the potatoes?"_

_._

Jongin just nodded and changed his uniform then went straight to the kitchen. That's when he knew it their parents left them after they went through a divorce. Jongin was mad at their parents. They didn't even send any message where they were. They send them money for living yes, but that wasn't what Jongin needed. He needed explanation from his mother and father. Jongin wanted to hate them but Kyungsoo told him not to. They were still their parents no matter how much we wanted to deny it. It wouldn't change any facts that they shared the same blood as their parents.

And that was when Jongin closed himself from others except for Kyungsoo. He loved his brother dearly because he was the only family he had. Kyungsoo tried to coax Jongin to hang out with his friends. But Jongin would only shook his head and said

.

"_I've got better things to do, Kyungsoo-hyung"_

_Kyungsoo shook his head exasperatedly._

"_Like what Jongin-ah? Sehun has been calling you to play with him. Don't you miss him?"_

"_I'm dancing now hyung. I'll tell Sehun to come and see me when it's my time to perform."_

_._

Now that Jongin thought about it, Sehun was usually the one who could help him get through this aside from Kyungsoo. Sehun's calm attitude really helped him to calm.

Kris sighed exasperatedly when he realized that Jongin wouldn't answer his question. If this was what Jongin wanted, then he would give it to him. He would not push the younger if it ended up Jongin hate him. No, he couldn't risk that.

Kris stared at Jongin covered eyes then he got up from the couch only to kneel in front of the younger. He wanted to tell Jongin that he loved him but no. He already promised himself he wouldn't push Jongin to make him love Kris. So Kris only putted his forefinger and thumb under the brunet's chin and stared at him. Jongin still wouldn't want to meet his eyes. That was alright. He took a deep breath and rose up to his full body, only to bent his head down and kiss the top of Jongin's head lovingly.

"If you need anything from me or someone to talk to, I'll always be there for you Jongin. I may not be able to be there 24/7 with you, but you can text or call me,"

With that, he ruffled Jongin's head softly and turned around. He wiped out his iPhone 5 and pressed Kyungsoo's dialed number. Jongin couldn't go home alone in this late night. He almost dropped the phone when he felt he was being hugged from behind tightly. He could feel the younger pressed his face into his back. Kris tried to look down from his shoulder but Jongin hid his face well enough.

"Jongin?"

He didn't receive an answer.

When he tried to pry Jongin's arms gently that was hugging his waist loosely, the younger tightened his hold.

"No," it came out as a broken whimper.

Kris froze. He heard the whimper followed by a sniffle. Jongin was…crying?

Kris felt bad. He tried once again to broke Jongin's hold but the younger's request made him fell silent.

"Hyung, stay like this for a while"

The older of the two wanted to hug Jongin back to comfort him. But he hesitated at Jongin's tone.

"Please,"

The plea was almost unheard by Kris because Jongin whisper was muffled by Kris shirt.

He finally gave in to the younger's plea.

They stay like that beside the couch. They could hear Monggu was whimpering, worrying his master. But Jongin didn't say a word to his dog. Minutes felt like eternity for them, Kris hands finally moved to covered Jongin's small hands around his stomach. He gripped it gently to ensure the younger that he was there for him. Jongin finally broke the silence,

"Hyung…"

Kris only moved his head to look down to the younger from his wide shoulder. He knew Jongin felt the move as the younger continued to talk.

"Mianhe,"

It was impolite of him to say that word to someone that was older than him. But Jongin and Kris' relationship was so close that Jongin felt comfortable to speak in informal language to the older. And Kris was fine with it.

The blonde haired man furrowed his eyebrows. What did Jongin mean? He didn't voice his thought. He waited patiently for Jongin to continue. A sniffle was heard when Jongin was about to speak again.

"I'm sorry…for disappointing you,"

Kris smiled sadly. He knew where this was going. He didn't need to hear it because he himself didn't know if he was able to stand to hear it. He stayed quiet.

"I'm sorry that I make you sad. I'm sorry that you have to suffer because of me. I'm sorry if you had to always take care of me when Kyungsoo-hyung was away," a broken whisper.

"Jongin, you don't have to-"

"I'm sorry! For not giving you a chance. I'm sorry that I left you hanging. I'm sorry that I.. I-"

Kris turned in Jongin's hold and hugged him tightly into his body. One of his hands stroked the younger's hair to calm him down while the other was wrapped around Jongin's back. He felt Jongin gripped his shirt tightly as he cried silently on his shoulder. Kris swayed them from side to the side. Kris wished to take Jongin's pain away and showered the younger with sweet words only for him. He knew he was being cheesy, even for how many times Zitao told him, but he was just wanted to make Jongin smiled that childish smile Kris had fell for.

He stayed quiet and wait Jongin's silent cry to subside. He sat them down on the couch with Jongin in his lap. The younger's arms moved to wrap his back and buried his head in Kris' neck. One or two cough fell from his lips but he still hugged Kris like his life was depended on it. He always felt safe in Kris' arms just like when he was in his parent's hold. He truly felt it now.

He felt loved.

He choked a whimper when he realized that Kris always have loved him from the first time. He was just too blind to notice it. How Kris would stared lovingly and openly at him when they were with the others. How the older would let him gripped his fine suit from behind when Jongin was afraid to get lost in such a crowded place. How Kris would ruffle his head when he was finished scolding him for being a brat at Kyungsoo. How Kris would silently kissed his forehead when Jongin fell asleep on his shoulder.

Jongin felt like he was the stupidest man that ever alive.

How could've he missed that all? He said he was afraid to love and being loved. But deep inside, he longed for it all. He missed all of it so much that it made him desperate for love and yet he closed himself from those things.

How stupid of him.

It was all there.

Right in front of his eyes.

Jongin decided. He had to decide whether he would push the man away from his life or opened his arms and let the man love him. Although Jongin didn't need that, Kris would always love him no matter what. Even if Jongin… didn't love him.

Jongin gathered himself. He could even imagine Sehun and Kyungsoo-hyung supporting him.

"_Hwaiting Jongin-ah!"_

"_Yah Kkamjong! Just do it already!"_

Jongin smiled at the thought of his best friend nagged him to do it already.

"Hyung," he called softly.

He pulled back from Kris' arms to look him on the face. Kris was watching him with worry and anxiety in his deep brown eyes. He had to do it. Or he would regret every moment of it.

"Jongin?"

The younger bit his lip nervously.

"I-I… I know that I'm not good at voicing my thoughts. It would be a heart-attacking moment if I do,"

Kris laughed softly at this.

The brunet smiled when he heard Kris laugh at his joke. He missed that laugh. The older's deep voice always able to sooth his heart like a lullaby.

"But, I want to tell you that I… I'm…"

He bit his lip again and averted his gaze down to Kris' collar bone. He closed his eyes and took another deep breath to calm himself down.

"Jongin, it's alright. I understand,"

He shook his head and lifted his gaze back to Kris' eyes. He could do this. He built his courage up again.

"No, Hyung. I want you to know that I…"

A pause.

Kris was still staring at him worriedly. He knew he already told himself whatever Jongin's decision, he would respect it. But still he couldn't get rid off the fear of not being able to be with Jongin anymore.

Jongin suddenly leaned in and kissed him right on the lips.

Kris widened his eyes. Were his eyes deceiving him? Was this just an imagination? Was this just another dream that Kris wished to come true?

And then he felt the younger held his face in his hands as if he could read Kris' mind.

Slowly he closed his eyes and kissed back while rubbing Jongin's small back.

The kiss was innocent. No lust was attached in it. It was sign of Jongin's feeling for him.

Kris pulled back to stare at Jongin's now slightly red face. The younger averted his gaze and played the hem of Kris' shirt. The older wanted to laugh at this adorable scene in front of him. He brought Jongin's face to meet his and held his gaze. He wanted to make sure.

No.

He needed to make sure.

"Jongin? What are you trying to say?"

There was nothing wrong to tease him just a tiny bit, right?

Jongin's cheeks became redder than they already were. Guess Kris needed words to make sure of his action just now.

"I… I want to give you a chance, Hyung. I'm willing for you to love me and…"

When did Jongin become so smart of leaving his sentences hung like that?

Jongin stared at him bashfully when he finally said those words.

"I want to love you,"

Kris' heart skipped twice faster.

If there was anything that could described his feeling right now, he would say it to the younger. But nothing in this world could compare his feelings right now. He blinked for several times and smiled like an idiot.

Jongin stiffled a laugh. Really, even the most handsome guy that he ever met could make such face like that. He couldn't bear it anymore and he let it out. Kris who realized this cursed himself. There goes his dignity. The older held Jongin's waist to anticipate if the brunet would ever fall off his lap and banged his head into the edge of the table behind him.

When Jongin's laughs finally subsided, Kris punched his chest. Not hard but enough to make Jongin winced.

"Ouch, what was that for Hyung?"

"You do know that I have a high dignity to keep?

Jongin giggled, "Yeah?" he played along with the older.

"And you do know that I would've buried myself along with my dignity at my garden if it wasn't for you?"

A snort.

"Oh please Hyung. Your dignity is not that high anyway,"

"Hm…", Kris smirked.

'Oh no,' thought Jongin as he tried to pry Kris' arms off from his body.

"I guess I have to burry you with me so I wouldn't be so lonely down there,"

He rose up from his sitting position and hoisted Jongin up to his shoulder so the younger was hanging and clinging at the back of his shirt. Jongin hit the taller's man back with all his might and shrieked when Kris loosened the hold on his waist. The older carried him like that to the middle of the room and spun him a little bit.

"Hyung! Hyung! Stop it! I'm going to puke!" shouted Jongin but laughing.

Kris was also laughing all the way and complied with the younger's request. He put Jongin down gently and held him on the waist when the brunet was swaying. They laughed once again then they stared at each other. Kris broke off from their gaze and hug Jongin tightly to his chest.

"Thank you, Jongin"

Jongin smiled his childish smile and hugged back.

"Aniya. Thank you, Hyung. Thank you so much."

.

.

.

XOXO

.

.

.

"I told you he would open up to you,"

"Yeah yeah. No need to be so smug of it, Sehun"

The younger blonde smirked and crossed his arms over his chest.

"You owe me, Hyung. Now you have to help me to get Luhan-hyung's attention,"

Kris chuckled as he shook his head.

"You already have,"

"Huh?"

Kris nodded his head to someone behind Sehun just across the table they were sitting at.

Sehun turned his head around only to whip it back with a blush painted on his pale face and covered it with a menu.

Kris snorted.

"And you called yourself brave?"

"Shut up!"

The older laughed and waved a bit to Luhan who was busy serving orders. A man flirted with him now.

"Oh well, looks like you might have to cut your balls if you don't want my cousin to be stolen by anyone,"

Sehun groaned.

* * *

A/N : That didn't gp well. Author tadinya nyoba post foreword dulu, soalnya gk yakin bnyk yang suka KrisKai, dan sepertinya iya deh ngelyat dari responnya :/ ato mungkin readers lbh prefer langsung masuk chapter?

wahahahaha.. yauda deh, sebagai tanda maaf sekalian hadiah kecil-kecilan buat KrisKai shippers ajh deh cerita ini ;)

Ermm, ini alasan author nanya readers suka Kriskai ato gk di "Joonmyeon's Diary (Journal I mean)". Yah, moga-moga readers suka fic ini dan yg tadinya gk suka Kriskai jd suka pair ini :) (uke Kai tentunya, tolong ==a)

Readers: rasis amat author? =A=

Author: author bener" gk rela kalo Kris jadi ukeeeeee, astaga tolooongggg TT_TT

.

Oiah, maaf author belum update "Joonmyeon's Diary (Journal I mean)" lagi. Lagi dibikin kq ini juga, nantiin ajh chap selanjutnya bakal panjang wokeh?

Ah iya, bagi yang minta KaiHun moment di sana nanti author masukin kq. Tapi di chapter" yg akan mendatang oke? Mianhe :/

KrisHo moment-nya juga makin ditambahin kq. Author emg seneng cerita yg lumayan detail sh jadi... :/

Alright, don't forget to review! Gomawo~

.

Christian_Wu


End file.
